Transformers:
After an out-of-the-blue alien attack on a military base in the Middle East, some US soldiers are on the run, looking for help and evading a robotic scorpion. Meanwhile, in response to the attack, the government is seeking out the robots who were involved in the attack, while trying to keep the situation under wraps. Sam Witwicky, an awkward and kind of annoying teen, gets sucked into this alien conflict when his new car, a classic Camaro, turns out to be an "Autobot", one of the good alien robots, named Bumblebee, who is allied with the bad-ass Optimus Prime. These Autobots are fighting their generations-old nemeses: the "Decepticons", genocidal robots who are trying to resurrect the frozen remains of their evil leader Megatron.
This movie still holds up as a fun, if not slightly dumb, summer blockbuster. This was the end of Michael Bay's period of making decent action movies, before he started churning out shit movie after shit movie. The cast isn't actually that bad.
Shia LaBeouf may be one of the most hated young actors working today, but people forget that in this first movie he was annoying, but far more tolerable than in the next two installments. I re-watched this movie as a refresher, having not seen it in so many years, and found that he wasn't that bad in this one. Megan Fox is the same: wooden? Yes. Irritating? Yes. Unbearable? Not really. Josh Duhamel plays the most likable character in the whole thing: a US soldier named Lennox, who is the captain of a Special Forces unit, who is just trying to make it home to his wife and newborn daughter. He's pretty bland, but he's not nearly as bad as the shit we see in the sequels. Tyrese Gibson, Zack Ward, and Amaury Nolasco make up the rest of his team, and they are just about as vanilla, but also pretty likable. Rachael Taylor plays one of the many supporting characters, a British woman who serves as an analyst for the Pentagon. Her hacker buddy Glen is played by Anthony Anderson (Scary Movie series). Jon Voight plays the US Secretary of Defense, and John Turturro plays Seymour Simmons, the obnoxious and pretty dumb member of Sector 7, a division of the government who is in charge of keeping Megatron's corpse a secret. Kevin Dunn and Julie White plays Sam (LaBeouf)'s obnoxious and annoying parents who serve no purpose than to be irritating to Sam and the audience. Bernie Mac has a pretty funny cameo as Bobby Bolivia, the owner and operator of a used car lot. Travis Van Winkle (Friday the 13th) plays Megan Fox's boyfriend Trent. He's pretty good at these obnoxious douchebag roles. Peter Jacobson (House, M.D.) has a cameo as Sam's teacher. W. Morgan Sheppard has a small role as Sam's great-great-grandfather Archibald, a famous explorer. Overall, the cast is pretty solid for a summer blockbuster based on a toy line and cartoon.
The voice acting is fantastic. Peter Cullen returns after 20 years to voice Optimus Prime, and still sounds great. Mark Ryan voices Bumblebee, who is a lot cooler here than in other films. Darius McCrary voices Jazz (once voiced by the great Scatman Crothers), who is more annoying than cool in this movie. Robert Foxworth voices Ratchet, the wise medical expert. Jess Harnell voices Ironhide, who, again, more annoying than cool. Hugo Weaving gives a lot of menace to his portrayal of Megatron, as Weaving is used to playing iconic bad guys (The Matrix). Reno Wilson (who later voices Mudflap and Brains in other films) voices Frenzy, the human-size Decepticon hacker who speaks mostly in gibberish. Charlie Adler, who voiced Silverbolt on the original cartoon, voices Starscream, Megatron's second-in-command. All of these voice actors do a great job for what the filmmakers were going for, even if some characters are kind of lame.
The screenplay by Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman is actually pretty good, even if some of the humor falls flat and the human characters are kind of under-developed. Michael Bay, despite all the flack he gets nowadays, did a pretty solid job with this film, despite some of the CG fights being confusing, and a few too many lens flares. People often forget he used to be a promising action director, with movies like The Rock and Bad Boys in his filmography. Sure, he'd slip up once in a while (Armageddon is more of a guilty pleasure than a genuinely good movie), but all-around he was pretty good at his job. So what happened? I'll get to that in the next two reviews.
I still believe the reason this film was so good compared to the others was that Steven Spielberg served as executive producer, so he had some influence over the final product.
Transformers is an undeniably fun movie. It's full of great CGI and some great voice acting, and the main human cast isn't all that terrible. The cinematography isn't anything award-winning, but it's crisp and flashy, which actually works in this movie. I'd say check it out at least once. 3/5 stars.
Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen:
Two years after the epic battle at Mission City, Megatron's sunken corpse is surrounded by a Naval fleet in the Atlantic Ocean, and Sam Witwicky is headed off to college. Bumblebee has stayed on as Sam's guardian and friend, still disguised as his car, and his girlfriend Mikaela and him are relatively happy. But after the Decepticons return with a vengeance and resurrect Megatron, Sam is drawn back into the war when the Decepticons target him, believing the AllSpark/Cube from the first film has been downloaded onto his brain after it's destruction. Sam must team with Optimus and the Autobots once more (who are now working for the government), and finish off the Decepticons, who have resurrected The Fallen, an ancient transformer who seeks to harvest Earth's resources.
Now this movie is something special. It's in the list of highest-grossing films of all time, yet also considered one of the worst movies in recent memory. All of the main cast members save for Voight and Taylor return, and are just bad this time. They're just awful especially the wooden Megan Fox and whiny and grating Shia LaBeouf. I chock this up to the writing of the way Bay directs his actors this time. What I mean is, he really doesn't. This whole movie feels like no one gave a shit while making it.
Some new actors this time around are Ramon Rodriguez as Leo, who is annoying, and cameos by Isabel Lucas and Rainn Wilson (in a strange role), who are both useless and don't really move the plot forward at all. The voice actors all return (Cullen and Weaving are still at the top of their game), except for McCrary, and do great jobs. The new voice actors, not so much... They're all talented and have done great work before and since then, but here they're just awful, much like everything else. Grey DeLisle (Billy and Mandy, Avatar: The Last Airbender, countless others), is wasted in a cameo role as the female Autobot Arcee, who does nothing. Andre Sogliuzzo voices another side character, Sideswipe, who is also pointless. But by far the worst thing in this film's roster of characters are "The Twins", Skids and Mudfalp, voiced by Reno Wilson and Tom Kenny (Spongebob Squarepants), who are the most annoying film characters since Jar Jar Binks. They are racist and offensive, and are constantly making "funny quips" that are just gruelling to sit through. To illustrate how awful they are, here are the demographics that they appeal to:
Five-year-olds
Fifth-grade boys
Racist, under-educated white trash
Mentally handicapped people
That should paint an interesting picture on how Michael Bay and the writers view their audience.
Tom Kenny voices a slightly less grating and stereotypical character named Wheelie, a Decepticon-turned-Autobot who provides more "comic relief" at the expense of the audience. Speaking of which, most of the voice actors for the Decepticons all return, and do fine jobs with the little they are given. Notable mentions are cult classic actor Tony Todd (Candyman, The Crow, Final Destination), who wastes his bad-ass voice on the character The Fallen, who is built up as this epic villain, and (SPOILERS- like it even fucking matters) is taken out in a minute long fight; as well as Kevin Michael Richardson as Rampage, and Frank Welker (a prolific voice actor, and the original voice of many G1 villains, like Megatron) as Soundwave and Devastator, the former of whom he both voiced back in the 80's. However, he doesn't really speak, mostly just makes scary noises, so again, wasted talent. Also, Soundwave's electronic jargon that he speaks is nowhere near as iconic, cool, or creepy as his voice from the original cartoon, which was cold and emotionless but somewhat appealing. Michael York, Robin Atkin Downes, and Richardson also have voice cameos as three of the "Seven Primes", or original transformers, who are Optimus' ancestors.
Overall, the acting's shit, aside from some nice voice acting on the part of Cullen, Weaving, and Todd, despite their characters being shit this time around. This movie is just a cheap cash-grab, with little-to-no thought put into it. The humor is shit that appeals to the lowest common denominator, and the action is more confusing and jumbled than entertaining or fun. Even the CG is degraded from the last movie. There are numerous plot holes and logical flaws (moreso than usual), and the directing is poor.
The cinematography is inconsistent and too focused on slow-motion, lens flares, and scenes set at sunset (which is a trademark of Bay's latest films). The writing by Ehren Kruger, Robert Orci, and Alex Kurtzman is some of the worst in action cinema, and the set-pieces aren't entertaining or believable, even in the film's already ridiculous universe.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen isn't a film, it's a fucking paycheck for everyone involved. And I know movies are a business, so a lot of the time money comes first, but there's not a shred of artistic integrity in the fucking thing. 1/5 stars.
Transformers, Dark of the Moon:
With a title that is grammatically incorrect, this movie was off to a poor start from the moment it was announced. I just tried to hope it was better than it's predecessor. Then the reviews came out, and I knew I was doomed from the minute I stepped into the cinema to see it. Why did I see it? It's just something you gotta see for yourself, and trust me, there was no joy involved in seeing it, only shame and regret. It's sorta like a drunken one night stand: it seemed like a good idea at the time, but slowly, as you wake up, you realize the mistake you've made, and you'll never be the same.
Well, let's get on with the "plot". In the opening scene, it's revealed that the moon landing was not done because of actual interest in going there, but because a fake-looking CG John F. Kennedy orchestrated the mission because NASA discovered there was a possibility of transformers on the moon. And thus it kicks off a conspiracy story, wherein Sam Witwicky, now accompanied by Carly (his new hot girlfriend; don't ask where Megan Fox is, they never explain in the film; if you're wondering why she's not in it as far as real life goes, it's cause she hated Michael Bay for a time, and he kicked her off the series), is called on once again by the Autobots to help them in their fight against Megatron and the Decepticons, this time accompanied by Optimus' wise mentor Sentinel Prime.
The returning cast members are awful, with the exception of Gibson and Duhamel, who have a certain charm to them despite playing really bland characters. The new cast members are pretty bad. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (a Victoria's Secret model) plays Sam's new out-of-his-league girlfriend Carly, and she does as good a job as most models do in movies: she's very mediocre. Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy) has a role as the douchey boss of Carly, a wealthy mogul named Dylan Gould who collects cool cars and is (SPOILER), surprise, evil. John Malkovich and Frances McDormand, who are both prolific and respected actors, are (for some reason) in this movie as disposable supporting characters who are only there to show "Look! We have big-name actors in this, it must be good!" Alan Tudyk (an underrated actor) and Ken Jeong (an over-used actor) have small roles in this movie. I'm not sure why Tudyk agreed to do this movie (I guess since this was after Dodgeball and Serenity and before Wreck-It-Ralph and 42, so work was scarce for him), and Jeong is just agitating in his role. Glenn Morshower has a small role as General Morshower. Buzz Aldrin has a cameo as himself, which is pretty cool, and Billy O'Reilly also has a cameo as himself, which is kind of lame.
As far as voice acting goes, it's better this time around. Cullen is still great at voice acting, despite Optimus being poorly written and inconsistent this time around. Weaving is still cool as Megatron, despite Megatron acting like a total bitch in this movie, just like the last one. James Remar joins the cast as Sideswipe, a wasted talent. Tom Kenny and Reno Wilson return as Wheelie and Brains, unfortunately. John DiMaggio wastes his voice acting talent voicing the irritating minor character Leadfoot. Leonard Nimoy, a scki-fi legend, is pretty awesome as Sentinel Prime, despite his character, much like Optimus, being half-handedly written. Frank Welker and Charlie Adler both return as the useless villains Soundwave/Barricade and Starscream, respectively. Welker also voices Shockwave, a fan favorite who is just butchered in this installment.
Again: overall, the cast is bland and forgettable. I honestly forgot Sideswipe and Leadfoot were in this movie until I did my research. I will admit this: I haven't seen this film since it was released in 2011, and don't intend to again. I've seen clips, but I never sat through the entire thing ever again. However, I did my research as a refresher, watched a few clips, and used my excellent memory to remind myself of how much I didn't like this movie.
Not only are the acting and action sequences sub-par, but the humor is repulsively unfunny and the movie just drags on for what seems like days. The ending battle sequence goes on for like an hour, which proves exhausting and boring after a while, especially when I am not emotionally involved with any of the characters, and can't tell the transformers apart from each other, save for Optimus and Bumblebee. The sequence with the building being knocked over by the robotic serpent with the heroes inside was cool and unique for about five minutes...then it went on for another fifteen and became a boring mess, filled with confusing cinematography and mediocre CG. Yes, yet again, the special effects have become less impressive and more bland.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a clusterfuck of a movie. It's not fun or appealing, it's not cool or exciting, it's just unpleasant and appeals to the dumbest type of people. I feel bad for everyone involved (yes, even Bay and LaBeouf). 1/5 stars.
(Images: Wikipedia)Link to The Amazing Atheist's funny review (SPOILERS): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRujjZBEGv0
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